Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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