had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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