just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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