It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
