so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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