first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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