I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
