Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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