Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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