Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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