1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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