the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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