she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
