My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
