I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
