we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
