accomplished twins. life is a go
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
