how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
