how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
