Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
