Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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