I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
