So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
