i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
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We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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