My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
