all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
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Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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The feeling are messing with the penis
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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