i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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