I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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