shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
