it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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