we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The uberlube is also flammable
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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