i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
