i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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