Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
