Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
