I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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