You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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