Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
