I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
