i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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