I met the friendliest cop last night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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