We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize