i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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