evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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