I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
