my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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