So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
