Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i permit you to call me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
