Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
