Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
