im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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