i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
