I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm like, not good at living.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
