I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
