rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
