You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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