Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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