My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
