There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
