i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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