so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
